CHUCKLES
Pity the old fangless cobra
who didn�t have a pit to hiss in.
Nineteenth century spiders were
ahead of their time.
They all had web sites!
When you cross
an alley cat with a canary
you get a peeping tom!
What do you get when you cross
an abalone with a crocodile?
Do it right you get an abadile.
Do it wrong you get a crocabalone!
If a man were up on a steeple
300 feet high with a goose,
how would he get down?
He would pluck the goose!
He called his rooster Robinson
because he crew so!
You can catch a unique animal
by niquing up on it!
The noblest of all dogs
is the hot dog.
It feeds the hand that bites it!
One frog said to another frog,
�Time sure is fun
when you�re having flies!�
What did the chimpanzee say
when he heard his sister had a baby?
�Well I�ll be a monkey�s uncle!�
What do elephants have
that other animals do not?
Baby elephants!
Bob to the doctor �I feel like a dog.�
�How long have you felt that way?�
�Ever since I was a pup!�
If April showers bring May flowers
what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Old beekeepers never die ~
they just buzz off!
Betty ate a box of bullets because
she wanted to grow bangs!
Nature gave us two ends,
one to sit on and one to think with.
Heads you win
tails and you lose!
He wondered where the sun
went every night.
He worried about it all night long
until it finally dawned on him!
If two wrongs don�t make a right,
what do two rights make?
An airplane!
What does the Army general
do with his armies?
He puts them up his sleevies!
Did you know that IBM and Hershey
are planning a big merger?
They plan to create
a 256 byte chocolate chip!
The awesome Kodiak Grizzly
thinks of joggers as fast food
and the mountain bikers
as meals on wheels!
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift and that is why
we call it the present!
She sat too close to the fire
This girl named Lucy Brown,
Though hardly the belle of the ball
She became the toast of the town!
When you are angry, count to 10.
If you are very angry, count to 100!
If your are dog tired
when you get home at night,
it may be because
you have growled all day!
Where does holy water come from?
Put a pot of regular water on the stove
and boil the hell out of it.
No one appreciates
the value of constructive criticism
more than the one who is giving it.
I love animals! They taste great!
Ever wonder how deer know
to cross the road at those yellow signs?
All generalizations are false
. . . including this one.
It is a cold winter when a lawyer
puts his hands in his own pockets.
A true music lover is a fellow
who ~ when he hears
a girl singing in the shower ~
puts his ear to the keyhole.
Man is the only animal
that goes to sleep when he�s not sleepy,
and gets up when he is.
A good answer is always the
one you think of later.
The closest we ever come to perfection
is when we are filling out a job application.
Little girl on the internet:
I am never going to have kids.
I hear they take nine months to download.
The surfer was in deep trouble
when his computer crashed.
She never learned to give mouse-to-mouse.
Lassie to Canine Kate:
On the internet no one knows you�re a dog.
AOL�s biggest competitor is fair weather.
When I asked the teller
if the bank offered on line banking
"Oh sure!" She said.
"The line starts right over there!"
The doctor asked his nurse
who had taken a bad blow to the head,
"Do you know your address, Carrie?"
"Shure," she answered. "[email protected]."
Bumper sticker: Not tonight, dear.
I have a modem.
Everyone loves a good loser
especially the one on the other team.
"You must have children," said Flo, the checkout clerk
to the woman standing alone at the register.
"Why I have three!" She beamed. "How did you ever know?"
The clerk replied with a grin, "You made your check
out to Lion King instead of Food Lion."
Frustrated at the rapid fire questions of her parents,
the teenager threw up her hands.
"Mute!" She said, pointing to her father.
"Play!" She said, pointing to her mother.
Do you realize that eight nickels
equal two paradigms.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
She was an overworked,
overwrought, overlooked, overdrawn,
but still basically fun person.
A brithday is just like a cat.
You wake up one morning
and there it is
right there in your face!
A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge!
You must never
let your mind wander.
It is much too small
to be out on its own.
Don�t you wish you were as wonderful
as your dog thinks you are?
Our shoe laces are made of
a material that refuses to stay tied.
The jogger is a persevering creature,
who keeps on going in spite
of cramping muscles,
hypertension and exhaustion.
This is because of dedication,
strong will and the fact that
it is increasingly necessary
to reach the gas station rest room
at the earliest possible moment.
The best way to tell a female chromsome
from a male chromosome
is to drop their genes.
Couch potatoes fall in love
and have little tater tots.
�Just find something else to do for a while,�
said Jane who was surfing on the internet.
�How can I, Honey,� her husband replied.
�When my two favorite things to play with
are playing with each other?�
Have you heard about the young woman
who got married and dismissed?
Anyone who drinks a fifth on the fourth
will have a lot of trouble
coming forth on the fifth.
A kiss over the telephone is like a straw hat.
It is definitely not felt.
"Hell yes!" Said the devil
as he answered the telephone.
"That�s one way of looking at it!"
Said the fly as she walked across the mirror.
A big green fly lit on the handle
of a doodoo fork in a bull pen.
He sucked in a belly full,
flew off the handle and dropped dead.
The moral of this story is:
Don�t fly off the handle
when you�re full of bulldodo.
How many people does it take
to change a light bulb in an office?
One, but if it were successfully accomplished,
everyone would try to take the credit.
Oh my! This calls for some
serious chocolate therapy!
I know I am in trouble when
my computer has more memory than I do.
Now, what was your name again?
As soon as I found the key to success,
someone had the lock changed.
Ever get the feeling that life is a party
and your invitation got lost in the mail?
You are more fun than
a brand new box of crayons.
She spent a good bit of time
criticizing my apartment
so I knocked her flat.
You are in just a smidgen of trouble
making out a job application when
you refer to your work history as
�a terrifying chain of events.�
Do you know where smart hot dogs go?
On honor rolls, of course!
Did you know that
the name of the president twenty years ago
was the very same as it is today?
Bill Clinton!
If your mind isn�t open,
you should keep your mouth shut too.
Status symbols are poor excuses for values.
Jack had surgery on his broken hand.
The cast had been removed, but he still had
five metal pins sticking out of fingers.
Checking out at a grocery store
a teenage clerk with numerous body piercings
pointed to Jack�s hand with admiration.
�Cool!� he said. � Where can I get mine done?�
